Monday, February 05, 2007

It is better than ok.

you know how you look at your little kid with DS and you have this fear sometimes, what will the future be like? Will he still be cute? Will people still love her? What will life be like?
Let me just tell you. I sat watching Ciarra get ready for the bus this morning and remembered all those worries and wonders I had back then, and I thought about all the new kids coming along. And I felt this sense of peace. Its OKAY. Its really really really ok. She is happy, she is thriving, she is precious and gentle and loving. She is everything a child should be, with some added bonus tracks. Sure, there are things that are different than I would have imagined them to be when I made my wish list. But there are so many things that came extra that I dont dare to even imagine more. Our lives are normal. She waits for the bus by the window in the morning, talking about her day, about vacation coming soon, telling me she would rather go to Florida today (we are going in 3 weeks) and asking about after school.

She slurps down her cereal, kisses the dog, snuggles with the cat, reminds me to kiss her brother (I already did, but she makes sure I do it again for good measure.) She runs her bowl to the sink, then flies back to peek out the window again, and she is caught in a puddle of sunshine, and my heart is just in my throat. She is beautiful, in my eyes, so beautiful she makes my heart stop.

And she is big now, though still little. But plenty big that Im not afraid anymore of her future. [i]She[/i] makes it, and I just guide it along. And she is [i]capable[/i]. And she is funny, and sweet, and endearing. And stubborn, and bright, and undeniably maturing. And I love this child exactly like she is, every detail of her face, especially the ones that come from having DS. They are like a badge of honor to me, those precious Brushfields spots that make her eyes shine, the soft slant of the eyes that once looked so foreign to me now seem so incredibly indelibly a part of her. DS doesnt define her, it just adds to her beauty. And she is going to be ok in this world, because she has this amazing little heart that leads the way, this fight and determination to be everything she can be. And she has taught me that that is more than "enough" it is plenty. It is an embarrasment of riches. I am looking at this half grown little girl and wondering what did I ever fear? Certainly not her. What I feared was change, what I feared was my own inadequacies. What I feared was that I might not be a good enough person to handle this...thing. And this thing has changed me and made me stronger. And it has made me see that she is perfect in every way, exactly as God made her. And lucky me, shes mine.

Sometimes it is painful to watch her grow up and move away from me, in tiny baby steps. But it is part of the journey I think, to be taken from one extreme to another and be ok with it. I just thought maybe some of you new parents might like to know. Our life is good. It really is going to be ok.


Jodi Reimer said...

What a beautiful young lady!
Please check out my blg when you have a chance:

Lauren said...

Do you mind if I post this on my site? It's such a beautiful testimony and I'd love to share it.

Karen said...

What a beautiful daughter you have! I work in early intervention and had the pleasure of working with two kids with Down Syndrome-- I had so much fun teaching them sign and I think of them often.

Bennetts said...

I just found your blog and your baby girl has the most beautiful eyes. I too have a child with Down syndrome, his name is Chase.