Thursday, September 20, 2007

sometimes I think everyone thinks I have it all together

And Im not supposed to have bad days or bad feelings, Im just supposed to keep on being all rosey and happy. But somedays I dont feel that way, and sometimes I need to be the one needing a shoulder. I think I have always handled everything, and people see me as strong or capable. maybe a little nutty, too, but strong and tough regardless.
Today I dont feel tough. I feel exhausted. I feel like I am teetering on the edge of exhaustion. Trying to help my dad out, and buy his house and land so the tax man cant get it. :( Trying to help him get into Senior Citizen housing...."but please hon, dont call it THAT." I am facing the future with this man who is still in many ways a stranger to me. And yet, he IS my dad. Whatever obligations he failed to live up to for me as I grew up dont matter now. I feel my obligation to him keenly. My mother despises him, and I made the mistake of discussing his situation with her very briefly, in an email. It opens the door to so many emotions, so much bitterness. I think that I have forgiven them both, but I doubt I will ever see the day either of them forgives and moves on. It is tiresome being in the middle, and Im almost 40, so it sucks out loud to feel 6 again, arms thrown wide, standing between them...hollering stop.
I am up to my eyeballs planning a birthday party fit for an almost 12 year old boy, to boot. Jesse, my darling son, is one year away from being a teenager. His voice alreadys breaks when he talks, and he is almost taller than me now. I mourn the little boy he was, and am excited about the man he is becoming. But it is a big job, doing this right. 8 little should be a blast, actually, if I can pull it off.
Just because Im a glutton for punishment, I planned Ciarra's "I did 15 days of school without whining" party at the bowling alley for tomorrow night right after school. 4 of her friends, bowling and pizza. I love that the kids want to come, and I wish I had a van. LOL. We will hurry home to be there for the above mentioned 8 boys arriving for a sleepover. It is going to be a busy weekend.
Found out Ciarra's ears are worse than before today. She has perforations on both sides, and pretty poor hearing. We will need the FM system at school, and possibly hearing aides. She just got glasses! I do know this is tiny in the scheme of things, and she is SO blessed in life. But it sucks, nonetheless. Dare I say that out loud?
Anyway, life is good, full, and fine. But it throws a few curveballs sometimes, to keep me on my toes. Oh well, everyone is healthy and relatively happy.

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