Sunday, July 27, 2008

advice for a Sunday morning

-when the man you love has spent hours preparing the new pool to be filled, be grateful that he is out in the hot sun, levelling and preparing the ground.
-when the above man goes to the store to get pool chemicals, while waiting for the pool man to come fill said pool, do NOT take it upon yourself to "try to help" by "fixing" the one side of the pool that just doesn't look level to you.
-resist the urge, at all costs, to lift the side of the pool just to have a peek beneath it to see if you can "fix it better"
-Do NOT...never, for any reason, grab a rake to "just touch it up a little"
-don't decide that "maybe if I dig down an inch or so on this side, it will level out.
-run screaming from the thought that you can smooth out the bottom (like he had it before you "fixed it") he makes it look WAY easier than it is. TRUST ME.
-when it feels like it might tear, stop. By all that is holy, stop.
-smoothing the ground back out (except the obvious ridge about 1/3rd of the way under the pool)and making it look like you didn't touch it wont work.
-telling him, when he arrives home to find you panting heavily, rake in hand that "the dog dug a hole, I'm fixing it" is a REALLY bad idea. He may act it, but he isn't dumb. Usually.
-When he looks at you, with those gorgeous brown eyes full of disappointment and...shall we say...doubt?....deny deny deny. Stick to your story, you have not much else to lose.
-"I was trying to help" is not a good excuse.
-DONT try to help. It makes much more work for him. Admit there are some things you aren't that good at. Like anything he can do, he usually is doing it because he is afraid you might try to help.
-when he is looking at you with amusement, even though you know he is mad, thats a good time to fess up. Of course, you will stick to your story and look really foolish. Fetching him a cold water from the fridge wont make it better, although if you time your exit just right, it does have the effect of getting you out of-the LOOK.
-when he says that the pool has shifted way too much to work, agree. Dont find reasons why it is still fixable. Learning to be still is a virtue, I think.
-when he puts one end of the hose in the pool, then takes the other to the ditch and sucks on it to draw the water down using gravity, be amazed at his maleness and ability to know these things.
-heres the biggie. Write this one down. When you think that you can just grab that other little piece of hose and show him just how capable you are in a mans world, dont. I mean it, helping here will only cause you great embarrassment and humiliation.
-A woman's place is not in the yard helping fix what she has screwed up. It REALLY isnt sucking on the end of a garden hose for 20 minutes, getting nothing but air and the occasional something that you are sure is a bug. Suffering through it because you deserve to have to pay a little price is not noble, it is stupid.
-When the man says "Michelle, I will do it, just wait a second, will you please?", dont look at him sadly and say "I got it." He doesnt think you are helping. He thinks you are being a pain in the ass.
-when you realize that the reason you are sucking air and stuff is because you forgot to put the other end in the pool, go do so discreetly. You look dumb enough.
-Do not then take a big suck on the hose. Just dont. It is the worst idea you have had all day.
-If you are determined to take that big haul on the hose, feeling good when you hear water gurgle at the other end, let go. Put down the hose.
-And lastly, if you arent smart enough to put down the hose, at least purse your lips a bit so you dont drown, or as you are about to discover, swallow a huge load of black ants and their eggs.
-If you do manage to get a mouthful of the delicious Sunday morning brunch consisting of maggot-ooking white eggs and squirming black ants, spit...quickly. It aint girly, but neither is vomitting repeatedly on the side of the lawn while your husband and son ask you if "you got a mouthful of water?" and then their concern grows, as you vomit so much your insides turn inside out, and they come rushing to your side (is this what it takes to earn forgiveness? It is pity, ok, I will take it.)
-When you cannot speak because you are currently occupied, point your finger in the direction of the squirming mass you almost had for breakfast, then turn quickly away as the sight of them makes it much worse.
-When your man says "omg that is gross! If you would have waited a minute I would have had that in my mouth." resist the urge to wish you had waited a minute. You deserve this, and besides, he would have been even madder if it was him.
-when he asks you in all seriousness, and even a twinkle in his eyes (which arent so pretty anymore, you notice) "I wanna know if they were moving around in there?" ignore him. Look at him plaintively and shrug your shoulders, then walk slowly into the house. You are off the hook, dont try to fix anything else for at least a week.

PS one last bit of advice? Dont Google "ant eggs in my mouth". And forget that feeling that just maybe there is an ant in your nose.

1 comment:

Kathy said...

BAH!HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH. OMG Michelle, THAT is a great story. Totally fiction, of course. tee hee.