Friday, November 21, 2008

Dear Alex

I am thinking of you today. In my mind, you are still 3, tiny hands and feet, impish smile. The last time I saw you, your beautiful hair was all shaved off, but in my mind I see the blonde curls. In my mind, I guess, you are still three. It is hard to believe that you would be turning 12 soon. I try to imagine what you would be like, but my mind is stuck, you will be forever 3, I guess.
Your brother is 13 already, big and strong. He plays football, and I often wonder if you would have joined him out there, though I doubt it. I imagine you as an artist, or curled up under the covers reading Harry Potter with a flashlight. Jesse doesn't talk about you much anymore. He remembers driving home from your funeral and asking me where you were, if you were with God. I can still hear his little voice, and see his stubby finger pointing at the sky, "I see Alex and his gang on that cloud, Mom." I ache for him, because I see his desire for a little brother in every little boy that comes through our lives.
I know with all of me that you and Ciarra would still be close. She is big now, this little sprite of a girl you called "my baby". She is ten. Alex, do you know she still talks about you all the time? She asked me the other day what your favorite song was. I laugh and cry at the same time, remembering you screaming out the words to "Who Let The Dogs Out". That is your song, you are stuck with it, buddy. Ciarra seems to have a connection with you that will never break, and I wonder how on Earth she can still remember. She was only 2 when you left us. But she remembers, there is no doubt about it.
Kristin talks about you a lot more now. She has been begging us to let her get a tattoo on her wrist. She wants it to be your name and your dates or birth and death. I worry that having the pain of you so close will be hard on her. I suppose it is no harder than what she already feels. She was old enough to remember it all, and to feel guilt and grief in the way only preteens can. I know she understands, but I also know that your loss changed her forever. She is going to be 20 soon. I imagine she would do the same with you she does with Jesse, harrass and laugh, tease and love with everything in her. They have discovered they like each other, finally, and I know you would be right in the middle of that, complaining and laughing all at once.
Andrea is a mother now. She has a beautiful baby girl. She talks about you often, too. At Halloween we laughed and laughed remembering you going to the patio door when you heard a knock one Halloween when you were small, and screaming your silly head off when she walked in in an alien costume. You were so scared. I have never seen anyone so scared. Sorry we laughed, but I am glad we have that memory. Andrea loves you, and I know she will read this, and Andrea..he loved you too kid. Rob and Wendy have a little boy too now, Hunter. They moved away, they live in Florida now. We will get to see them next week, we are going to visit Grammy and Papa. Grammy made me a photo quilt, and I was so happy to see that you were not left off it. So many people forget to include you, or they dont want to mention it. I am always happy to see your little face peeking out at me from it. I may have 3 kids now, but in my heart, the answer is always "I have 4". You are not forgotten, baby, you never will be.
Daddy doesnt talk about you much, not ever, really. A few months ago, I asked him why, and he started to cry. That was answer enough.
Alex, I visit your tree a couple times a year. On your birthday, and on the days you left us, the day I last held you, the day your spirit went to Heaven, and the day your body did. Christmas is coming, and I will drive to the tree and decorate it again. Last year, when I went back on your Birthday in Jan, others had added deocrations too. I think your teachers maybe go there, too. Your tree is so big now. Sometimes I see how tall it is, and it is hard. When the leaves are coming alive in the Spring, you are not, and that is always hard to see. But I love watching it grow. I just wish it could be you I am watching, instead. But this is what we have now, and I will be grateful for it.
I wrote to you today because I realized how long it has been since I found a toy you once played with, or a sock that somehow still pops up in the laundry room. I havent seen the box with your clothes in it in awhile. But I dont forget you. You are in my mind often, when I hear a song, or see a little boy that reminds me of you, or a picture. We love you, Alex, every one of us that knew you. Even when we dont say your name every day. Even when it is too hard to talk about you. Dont ever forget that.


5 comments:

As We Sail... said...

This is beautiful. I have a close friend who has lost 2 sons, one very young and one in the service. This gives me some insight of what she goes through twice a year when those dates come around. And since she never brings it up, I tend to forget what also must run through her mind every day. She has said that her husband also never wants to talk about it. It must be very hard to not be able to share your sad days and recollections with your spouse.

Tilly Cat & Pip-Squeak said...

Glad to see you back. And sorry for your grief -but I'm also glad he's remembered. You're in my thoughts.

Anna

Ann said...

Your son will always be with you. Prayers to your family.

Beth said...

WOW! I am at my desk crying. Came across your blog through a comment on another. Very powerful post...

whatever to us said...

Hugs, dear friend....I think of your little one often and wonder how you're doing...I know time is supposed to make it easier but you never forget- I don't think you're supposed to...