I have been following this young mom's blog for a few months now. her 4th child, a baby girl named Audrey, will be born via c-section today, and is not expected to live.
This woman personifies courage, and her faith is that kind of faith that makes you want God in your life. She could be screaming, angry, bitter. Instead, she uses her incredible voice and her story to show others the way to that faith. Her words often leave me crying, but then again, I am the worlds biggest sap. She is doing what so many women in her shoes wont do, trust God, have faith, give her little one every chance to have the days she was intended to have. And she does it with a grace I still cant fathom.
I hope you will go read there. I hope her words move you, and if you, like me, are still searching for your way, that just maybe you will find something there to lead you home.
My life has been full of pain and loss and anger. I am in a time of searching, trying to find a better way. I guess I am trying to fight it, in a way, to not trust completely, to have my OWN strength and not need anyone..even God. But the pull is so strong. Even just the music on that blog has touched me. I feel like this little one, in some weird and very unfair way, is here to find people like me, to bring us to our knees and into the arms of Jesus. I am still fighting it, I am not ready to speak the words, or to jump in with both feet. But like it or not, I am here, on the brink, and believing even more because of Angie and Todd and Audrey Caroline. I must admit, I think God might be making a mistake. Are the lives brought to Jesus worth this precious child's life? Is it arrogant of me to believe that *I* and others like me...nothing...are worth her life? Thats my internal wrestling match. Somehow, this small voice keeps whispering to me:
New American Standard Bible (©1995)
Jesus answered, "It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
I guess though, I dont have that same faith. Or maybe I do, but it is not a faith that understands GOD'S will. I still want MY will, my way. I want this to be the scripture I read tomorrow:
Luke 1:58 Her neighbors and her relatives heard that the Lord had magnified his mercy towards her, and they rejoiced with her.
These words she wrote last week stay with me:
The image of Jesus being mocked while he bled and suffered was unbearable today. More so than any other time I have read the story. His words, His shame, His pain. The fact that as I read those words, I am reminded that He knew my Audrey while He hung. He knew how many breaths she would have, how many tears I would cry for her, how I will run to her in heaven and rejoice that she doesn't need her lungs there anyway because she is perfect. He knew these words before I typed them. His love is deeper than I can fathom. If you want to feel the Holy Spirit fill you, try something one day. Maybe today if you can make the time. Start by praying for God to reveal Himself in a new way to you, and then read through these words of agony and death, and imagine your face as what He saw. You were worth it. He still believes that. I hope you do too. When God turned away from His Son, and darkness crept across Calvary, He knew your face, your heart, your hurts. They are forever hidden within His wounds.
I'm trying. May your day go gently today, Angie.