I have been following this young mom's blog for a few months now. her 4th child, a baby girl named Audrey, will be born via c-section today, and is not expected to live.
This woman personifies courage, and her faith is that kind of faith that makes you want God in your life. She could be screaming, angry, bitter. Instead, she uses her incredible voice and her story to show others the way to that faith. Her words often leave me crying, but then again, I am the worlds biggest sap. She is doing what so many women in her shoes wont do, trust God, have faith, give her little one every chance to have the days she was intended to have. And she does it with a grace I still cant fathom.
I hope you will go read there. I hope her words move you, and if you, like me, are still searching for your way, that just maybe you will find something there to lead you home.
My life has been full of pain and loss and anger. I am in a time of searching, trying to find a better way. I guess I am trying to fight it, in a way, to not trust completely, to have my OWN strength and not need anyone..even God. But the pull is so strong. Even just the music on that blog has touched me. I feel like this little one, in some weird and very unfair way, is here to find people like me, to bring us to our knees and into the arms of Jesus. I am still fighting it, I am not ready to speak the words, or to jump in with both feet. But like it or not, I am here, on the brink, and believing even more because of Angie and Todd and Audrey Caroline. I must admit, I think God might be making a mistake. Are the lives brought to Jesus worth this precious child's life? Is it arrogant of me to believe that *I* and others like me...nothing...are worth her life? Thats my internal wrestling match. Somehow, this small voice keeps whispering to me:
John 9:3
New American Standard Bible (©1995)
Jesus answered, "It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
I guess though, I dont have that same faith. Or maybe I do, but it is not a faith that understands GOD'S will. I still want MY will, my way. I want this to be the scripture I read tomorrow:
Luke 1:58 Her neighbors and her relatives heard that the Lord had magnified his mercy towards her, and they rejoiced with her.
These words she wrote last week stay with me:
The image of Jesus being mocked while he bled and suffered was unbearable today. More so than any other time I have read the story. His words, His shame, His pain. The fact that as I read those words, I am reminded that He knew my Audrey while He hung. He knew how many breaths she would have, how many tears I would cry for her, how I will run to her in heaven and rejoice that she doesn't need her lungs there anyway because she is perfect. He knew these words before I typed them. His love is deeper than I can fathom. If you want to feel the Holy Spirit fill you, try something one day. Maybe today if you can make the time. Start by praying for God to reveal Himself in a new way to you, and then read through these words of agony and death, and imagine your face as what He saw. You were worth it. He still believes that. I hope you do too. When God turned away from His Son, and darkness crept across Calvary, He knew your face, your heart, your hurts. They are forever hidden within His wounds.
I'm trying. May your day go gently today, Angie.
6 comments:
I too have been following this families journey for several weeks. I've thought about them several times today and have already prayed for them more than once. And, while I don't know all of the answers, I did want to comment on one thing you asked:
"Are the lives brought to Jesus worth this precious child's life?"
Please know that God is NOT trading her life for yours or anyone else's. Audrey will live the life that she was created to live. She was created and formed exactly as the Lord intended. Her life, however long it may be, will be lived exactly as God intended it to be. What you are seeing through the blog is the act of obedience on the part of her parents. They are stepping out in faith and trusting that God will continue to provide for their needs in the midst of their "rain". By sharing their story, they are allowing the Holy Spirit to use this time to call others close to Him. That is what you are feeling....the pull of the Holy Spirit. Audrey is not losing her life so that others can be saved...Jesus did that for you many years ago. (((HUGS))) to you. Keep listening, keep praying...God is waiting to reveal Himself in a mighty way to you. And it sounds like He is preparing your heart for that now.
Shelley, thank you. That one sentence took away so much guilt:
"Audrey is not losing her life so that others can be saved...Jesus did that for you many years ago. " You are a very wise woman.
Michelle, thank you so much for pointing me to this dear families blog. I have been praying for them all day for their story really touched my heart.
Last night my 9 month old had me up all night. This morning I was really grouchy and aggravated that I lost some sleep and I was being short w/ my kids. I read the part in her blog where she wrote how she talks to Audrey and wanted her to know that if she woke up at 3 in the morning, because she was scared she would be there and give her a piggyback ride and thats when I just started to cry. It really puts things in to perspective, ykwim
This one blog taught me so much about faith today. I will continue to keep praying for them.
They are all in my thoughts today...
Yep they live here close to me... so very sad.
Aren't they incredible, Michelle? Angie is the dearest person...exactly the person you see her as on her blog. Thank you for sharing her story with your readers.
Also, thank you so much for commenting on my blog. I love knowing who is reading what I write, and your words of love and support meant more to me than I can adequately express. We adore our sweet Owen and wish so much we could go right back to Russia to adopt another child. The cost is holding us back for now. I think all the time about how far Owen has come and about all of the children in this world who need families who aren't half as lost as he was when we found him, how I wish so much that other people, other Christians, would see this need as greatly as we do and would see what a blessing they are missing in their lives.
Our time with Owen has passed so quickly. We do all we can to cherish, to savor, every single moment with him each and every day. We love and adore him beyond words. He is the sweetest most wonderful blessing and the greatest joy we've ever known. We have so much love left to give and hope to be able to share it with another child in the near future.
I am happy to have found your blog and look forward to reading more about your beautiful family. Thank you again for contacting me.
:0) Adrienne
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